Well didn't I get busy...

I love you blog. Don't listen to all those people. I meant to visit you and nurture you all through the summer. The thing about writing about wanderlust is that often your subject takes you away from your work. I have wandered. I have been happy doing so, and I have not touched a computer in quite a few months. You must have thought I disappeared, just as my mother so often thinks. I am here. I have gone out to Peru and I have gone back to Yosemite (3 summers and going!) and I have come back to work here in the city teaching the future of America (which my dad likes to remind me is a very scary thought. Psssshhhhh).

The saddest thing about this life is that time waits for no one. And time has slipped by me this year already. I have so many people to see and talk to and I am always running behind on those sorts of things. So, if like my blog, I have neglected you or we aren't speaking as often as we should. I'm sorry. I'm trying. And I'm still alive.

For those of you who think my head is in the clouds. It's not. As you can see from the picture it is ABOVE the clouds. (In Peru no less!) Hugs to all.

AWL left me for bears

Whelp: Found a post from November that I completely neglected to post:



As I sit on this Sunday afternoon in my jammies, I have to jump ahead in our grand adventures of the summer to recall the bears of the west. You see, AWL has left me for a week. He is on his own big man adventure. It's opening weekend for bear here in hokey ole PA. Leon has never killed a bear in his entire life, but he goes every year hoping to bag an adorably massive Baloo. I imagine him talking the poor thing to death with overly exaggerated stories about his life. Possibly having the bear choke on his own spit laughing at the now famous Fireworks story or the time we jumped off a small cliff and there was a weird anatomical phenomenon (all of which you shall hear in good time). Luring the poor animal in with his strange South African accent he acquired in Shillington, Pa. After all, East coast bears are nothing like west coast bears.

You see, here on the East coast, we have civilized our bears. (Actually, I believe the West coast mentality is making its way back. Be careful especially on the Appalachian Trail. There have been relatively recent bear related deaths on there. While I joke about it, Black Bears are predators just like grizzlies!)

We take for granted just putting up a tent and camping out. Our wilderness is basically an extended version of our backyard here in Pennsylvania. Once we left the Midwest, the idea of bears in cute Disney movies like the Jungle Book faded into a frightening slasher movie. In fact, all of the cute cuddly mammals of the wilderness started to morph into our minds as dark creatures with glowing red and green eyes in the massive darkness.

Our plan was to camp out as much as possible in order to reduce costs during our trip. And anyway, what is better than being out in the great wide open of the Rocky mountains?!

Our naive little east coast minds began to question that freedom first on a short walk to see if that gritty white patch really was snow....we got out of the car and AWL and I trotted a few hundred yards out into a meadow and proceeded to stomp on snow to make sure it was real. (all the way UP the Rocky mountain pass one imagines mystical driving tunes and endless giggling and awe as we careen through a car commercial for an SUV to the top elevation of almost 12,000 feet. However, our imaginings would be absolutely incorrect. We did careen, though, which means I was white knuckling the "Oh Crap!" handle as I stared wide-eyed down into the abyss that the sheer cliff allowed me to see. All of this, while constantly arguing with AWL that YES I'M SURE! IT'S SNOW! I KNOW IT'S SUMMER...IT'S SNOW!)

We finally reached a spot where we could pull over that included things like dirt instead of just plain old thin air. It was good to stretch our legs after all....and pry my fingers off of the handles in the car.

Frolicking....I'm pretty sure that's what you call it:

 OH MY GOD....NO ONE IS WALKING THEIR DOG ALL THE WAY UP HERE....WHAT IS THAT?!

LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS....OH MY! (Actually we decided it's a wolf print.)

I didn't get video of either one of us high tailing it back to the car in a rushed..."be cool be cool" Shuffling walk while sweeping the surroundings for ominous silhouettes, then power walking as the idea of being hunted pushed us into an all out sprint to the car, yanking on the handles and slamming the doors while we simultaneously slammed ourselves in the seats. The idea of the wild shifted as we caught our breath.

We were not reassured as we continued our drive and spotted several of the prey animals startling close to the roads looking as wide eyed as we had just been. We were one of them not a few minutes ago. The wild is wilder the "wester" we go!

Where in the US?!

So, we're driving...and driving...AND DRIVING. We alternate between being silent and talking...then sleeping while someone is talking AT YOU. Or being silent while someone wakes up and critiques your driving (my least favorite one). So anyway, there's a lot of driving involved in the across the country thing.

We left Chicago and drove until we were tired. We made it passed the Mississippi (I still have to say the letters when I type it) River. It was dark. I was disappointed, but not for myself. I just felt like AWL should have seen this thing. It was huge! (and at this point we've been talking to only each other for soooo many hours he's in my head saying "Thank you!") I mean I've seen the Mississippi (had to say the letters again) before and I know the scope. There are so many parts of this trip that I wish AWL had seen that were completely blanketed in darkness. But, in all honesty, I was too psyched to get to the Rockies to put too too much thought into the disappointment.

The other problem with being on your own time, is you take it for granted if you're not careful. I mean, we're desperately trying to pack the United States of America into three weeks. But the great ole USofA has so many tiny little intriguing things you want to pull over and see too! We're aiming for South Dakota and Mount Rushmore. We weighed and weighed and discussed and weighed and argued a little bit about the options and interest in stopping at the corn palace in bumble bee tuna nowhere. We wondered if it was made of corn (that'd be cool) or had corn IN IT. Do they sell it? How many different kinds of corn are there? Did you know that corn has been domesticated for so long it's near impossible to find it in the wild?

"Jax, GOOGLE it. Ask that SIRI thing."

Turns out this thing is a random building that showcases bands and entertainment. The judges are still out on whether or not corn is involved. We were baffled by the website on my tiny smart phone. I think the excitement of actually figuring out what on Earth this thing was and the questions that ensued took all of the excitement out of it. We finally decided to pass on the corn palace...but isn't Sioux Falls kind of a cool place?! Can't we stop there too! Truly, it only makes it worse that I have a smart phone. I can search and search so many "101 things to see in the US before you die" blogs and books and articles and apps. It is mind boggling.


But I mean, we have to stop to stretch our legs eventually...aren't you hungry? Why stop at a rest stop when we could GO somewhere!?

To Sioux FALLS! VAMOS!


............................................................................................................................................................

Honestly, right off the road, not far from the town, this gorgeous river gurgles, rushes, bubbles, churns, and crashes in a wide and multilayered curtained oasis. I wonder how people initially felt traversing across our great nation and coming upon this. It must have seemed a glory to them, as it was a wonderful reprieve even to us. Us in a car, out traveling for one day, in the air conditioning. A wagon? A horse? PAHAHAHAHAHA. Crazy.

 

 Of course AWL and I can hardly go places without trying to climb something. Thus we are off to get a CLOSER look. We're always trying to get CLOSER looks. These are the types of personality traits that absolutely make my mother cringe. It's all about the perspective. It always has to be a different one from normal and if it isn't normal it is NOT okay with Momma (I think she's starting to come around though...). So we climb down into the nooks and crannies of the falls, trying to manage the perhaps slightly slick rock just this side of a little whirlpool of questionably yellowish water.

OH MY GOD....It's like 100 billion degrees outside. We're still too close to the East coast. HUMIDITY STOP IT! BACK TO THE AIR CONDITIONING!

GOOD MORNING INDIANA! GOODNIGHT ILLINOIS!

We arrived at the ungodliest hour ever with the effects of bottles of wine having worn off and sleepy eyes setting in. I drove and I was ready to not be driving for the night. But the thing is, when you arrive at a national or state park, you're still not there. You have to find where they hide the campsites. And at Indiana Dunes State Park, they hid them, and they hid them well for 2-3am. But the ease of use made it all worth it. Checking in was as good as using a vending machine. swipe your card, pick a spot, print out your parking pass, BEDTIME! YAY!

Except, AWL and I have yet to pitch a tent together. It turns out when I'm tired I'm not ready for a BAZILLION questions. I'm what one might call....cranky (the PG version). This boy is like a three year old playing the "why?" game. He's akin to the biggest fan of 21 questions in the universe. I found out on this trip that this is what is commonly known as talking to yourself to someone else. Not all the questions were meant for me to answer, but HOW DO I KNOW THAT?!

"OH MY GOD AWL,  I DON'T KNOW!" "CAN WE JUST PUT UP THIS FREAKING TENT!?!?!"

And then, I have to give it to him, I looked at him with steam emerging from my ears and laser beam eyes directed at his skull and fire breath at the ready. But even through my arsenal, I could tell he was surprised by my responses and he was handling it SO MUCH BETTER. I mean, now, super far away from the situation, I'm so happy he handled me with such patience because God knows, I don't have any for him. But at the time that part of my brain melted and I couldn't figure out thoughts, words, sentences, concepts, life. He is the better man when it comes to frustration. Which is good, because he knows all the buttons to get me to go from cool as a cucumber to fire breathing dragon. AND HE LIKES TO DO IT. I know he does....I KNOW IT.

Good news: The tent went up. We left the rain cover off and fell asleep to the stars twinkling through the tree branches.




And after a wonderful sleep snuggling up to my honey under the stars we woke up to the most beautiful day. THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DAY!

And the thing about Indiana Dunes State Park is that it a buttes Lake Michigan.

As you can tell by our long sleeved shirts (actually they were both AWLs and I STOLE IT!) It was breezy and slightly chilly. But honeybadger don't care. I really REALLY REALLY ALWAYS want to touch the water. It could be January in the middle of a blizzard and I will walk right down to water body of water it is and I WILL TOUCH IT! And it's a good thing I did because it was bath water. It was the most glorious strange and confusing experience in water I have ever had.

SUIT UP! Let's go swimming!

(AWLs favorite colors are KAWASAKI green and black in case you didn't notice)

(This is the only picture I was told I had to take so he could send it to his BFF, everything else was ninja camera skills)

Is it the ocean?

There are waves....
Nope, it's not salty.

But you can only see water as far across as you can squint!
Wait Wait...just to the left of us...if you SUPER squint there's Chicago

But there are riptide warnings....
Uhhhhhh what riptide? Are these kids serious?

Uhhhhhh, I guess there are, here comes the park ranger...


Well, as AWLs niece likes to retell over and over and OVER. We got in a little bit of trouble. We received several phone calls inquiring why we were yelled at after a certain postcard made it's way to a little girl's hand mentioning a CERTAIN park ranger.

He was actually a really cool guy. We asked him lots of questions and he answered all of them. BUT FIRST he frantically waved us in (I didn't even notice because we were trying to do cartwheels into the waves and I was in the middle of half drowning). And told us the rule was you couldn't go past your waist in this lake because of the statistics of drownings.

We went on our way and sunned ourselves on shore, both wondering how the heck that many people die in the most amazing lake ever. I don't know if these midwestern people are unaware of how to swim, but they've clearly never been to the Jersey shore...or any east coast shore for that matter. I imagine all of Indiana's population getting swept out to sea just by putting their toes in the water.

So we relaxed into the realization that we were REALLY on vacation...ON OUR OWN!  No family outings or politeness. Just us. Just the sun and the fake waves splashing the shore. It was less of a shock for me. I mean, I'd actually been on summer vacation for a month, but AWL hasn't taken more than an extended weekend in five years. I can NOT EVEN IMAGINE! That sounds like slavery to me. His one goal? By the end of the vacation he wanted to be able to say the phrase he hates hearing from me on a regular basis..."Wait...what day is it again?"

 And then we got hungry...because between the two of us, there is no cure for our constant pangs of hunger. Leftover combos it is. But we weren't the only ones that were hungry!

Dun

DUN

DUUUUUUNNNNNN

AWL vs. the....LAKE....GULL?  We laid there for a good half hour saying the phrase Lake Gull alternatively super fast lakeGULL and super slow. Because this is what happens when you have no particular plans and a combos creeper eyeing up your munchies. We ended up giggling way too out of control for such a stupid (can we call it...) conversation. That little punk bird ended up being called Lego the Laygle. That's how we roll. He deserved every little bit of ridicule and heckling and threats of physical violence. You should have seen the anger in his little bird eyeballs. HA!

And very VERY slowly the combos wore off and the hunger came back as the laziness ebbed just enough for us to decide to venture off for more food.  If it hadn't been for that we may have spent our entire vacation just laying there. But eventually we meandered back to the car and decided to hook around the lake to Chicago. We hear they have amazing pizza here. Might as well check it out:

In a matter of a half an hour, or 45 minutes we relatively instantly made our way into Illinois to beautiful Chicago. The shore line wrapped around the lake and beautiful sailboats and gardens started to replace the dunes and I felt as though I was going to Annapolis. Back to my high school days of tea on the docks at Hard Bean Cafe'.

And then we made it to the Navy Pier and Annapolis shrunk to a distant memory as Chicago made room in my memories.

I really REALLY wanted to go on the Ferris Wheel because I was never on one before, but I was told by my fearless leader that this one wasn't a good one. That we'd go on some other cooler one sometime. :-( Apparently the cool ones are all open air with no walls. But THIS one had a huge super cool lake right next to it, and we were starting our vacation, and I mean...the line wasn't THAT long, BUT I WANT AN OOOMPA LOOMPA NOW DADDY!

No Jax...food and beer...FOCUS:

We did only choose a place at the pier that was probably generic and not an authentic place to get Chicago pizza. It probably really is our fault. But honestly, it was just FAIR. The beer selection was good though. It turns out a few other times west of Chicago (some places WAY more west than others) we tried "Chicago style" pizza and it was WAY better than pizza from Chicago. Go figure.

Chicago we loved you. I loved that you could drink outside with the non-ocean zephyrs swirling around us. It was a good day. But alas, we must go like cowboys to our next rodeo.

Movie moments

I don't have pictures of our day in Monroe, PA. That's how good it was. Those movie moments, those pieces in movies that have no words, but a soundtrack of peace and perfection in your mind. The world whipped past us as we flew through it. Nothing disappointed and we were really starting our adventure now!

We left the huntin' cabin with the sun starting to cook the water vapor and us, which is not terribly uncommon in Pennsylvania. But there is something to be said about the reprieve of shade on one of the trademark balmy summer days of the Northeast. Further, the lazy breeze that comes from a car meandering down an old dirt road becomes the soft touch of relief. AWL let's old memories bubble up about every turn and pot hole on the road and it all becomes a gentle rhythm while I stick my feet out the window and close my eyes. I can practically see the world fade into black and white.

Alas, the road smooths out and the rhythm of bumping potholes and swaying maneuvers calms into the present day. The color begins to saturate the world again and the last of the wildflowers soak with their color and spread to little country patios filled with old swings and pots of petunias. There is nothing better than taking the back roads and letting your hair down to dance in the wind. We're headed to see AWL's dad.

We arrived on the back roads and then took off again without much ado. We rode his two Harley's over to the PA grand canyon. I'm pretty sure I've been there before, but what do you remember when you're a young'un?! As they so often say, it's not the destination, but the journey that counts. And there's nothing like a journey on the back of a bike (unless it's being front and center).

I remember an Irish cousin saying once that America was so frustrating, "you can't SEE anything." It's SO dense. I guess that is the result of choosing Pennsylvania as the destination. It is "Penn's Woods," as I learned in my early years. There's not much horizon to get lost in, but when you grow up in the forest, you learn to look carefully among the trees and pick up the details as they fly by. I have spent many childhood days in the back seat imagining a mystical moment unfolding in the underbrush. Everything hidden in the busy fast paced reality of the current age. And here I am again clutching AWL's waist. Alternating between peering into the forest, looking for Mr. Tumnus, unicorns, and sword fights and closing my eyes and letting the air wash over me. The heat of the day is nothing at this speed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmXrWSAp-_4

As we rolled into the parking lot of Pennsylvania's grand canyon (which coincidentally I found on this trip that most states have their very OWN grand canyon) just as the dark foreboding clouds began to fill the valley.  We parked the bikes under a canvas of trees and made our way to a gazebo. We watched the showers march up to us and at once it was upon us, covering the entire canyon with steam and sauna temperatures. There was not much to be seen, so we sat and read the information boards and father and son spoke about mechanical boy things. I leaned over the rail and tried to feel the spray of the rain.

The rain cleared and the clouds rose above the ridge line just enough to see the river below and the covered wagons on the old rail lines. We watched and wondered and like Pennsylvanians do, we peered into the nooks and crannies and spotted hawks perching and nests near the end of their habitations. It was just a beautifully humid peaceful day.

As we left, we saw the clouds doubling back and we all silently watched the rain chase us back to the house. Having to stop at the local roadside stand for corn, we were helped by the happiest dirtiest 7 year old there ever was on a farm. It felt odd to see such a young boy lording over shelves of corn, tomatoes, honey, peppers, and other various crops with only the shaggy flea-bitten dog to keep watch with him. I felt teacher pride while we paid for our corn and he managed the change with no technology, no calculator, register, or adult to check on him. I wish I had one of these in my classes!

But then the dark clouds pushed upon our backs and we began to think that maybe we took too long after all marveling over how delicious everything looked and smelled. We're only a few miles from haven, but will we make it?

And we didn't. Swiftly it seemed the sun took to rest and a false night overshadowed us. We could hear the rain coming, but then we felt the road slick beneath us. We were running into the storm as we turned the corner. It started slow, and small, but stinging as it often does while you motor through a rain. I smiled to myself and laughed a little in my head. I love a good adventure. AWL turned to me and asked if I was okay as the rain started just POURING down on us. I laughed to him and said this was my favorite part of the day. Apparently we have more in common than I realized. I heard him smile while he said he better "hammer down." We drove into the rain like Han Solo drove through the stars and there wasn't a happier duo (even when AWL decided to duck his head to smack me with the stinging spray of rain at random moments).

Soaked and purely happy we sat on the porched with AWL's dad and stepmom, drinking tea and listening to old stories. And as the time stretched on we moved into homemade wines and warnings that the hours were getting on and it was too late to leave. Could there be a better day in Pennsylvania? It is very doubtful. But alas, there are other states to discover, and off to Indiana we went, driving into the sunset again.

The beginning...or the end?

The journey began without much thought. I began to see how my future trips with AWL would go. I packed the entire car. He was responsible for his bag of clothes. I even packed his kitchen supplies and cooked up some yummy road snacks. I think he forgot underwear or something essential like that. However, after packing EVERYTHING we needed and the slackline and various books AND having somehow been deemed the knower of all things in all other states, I somehow forgot to pack the crash pad so we could boulder (which is climbing smaller stuff with no ropes, hence needing something softish to land on, i.e.. crash pad). I never heard the end of it. ESPECIALLY IN COLORADO.

"Oh look at those cool boulders...wish we had the crash pad."

"I thought we brought the roof rack so we'd have more space for the crash pad in here."

"I can't believe we can't boulder in BOULDER, Co."

(These are samplings that may or may not have been said, but they at least give the sense of what was going on.)

 He never wished he had an extra pair of underwear...

Meanwhile, we started our exciting trip! Our first stop: PA!  While I wanted to get the heck out of Dodge, it was our solemn duty to remain in PA for one more day. I was okkaaaayyyyy with it, but to be honest, my whirlwind plans were not set in the great state of PA. But, there we were in grand Morris, PA living the simple life.  Turns out, it was a pretty cool experience. You see, there happens to be a certain huntin' cabin (you can't say huntING, it's just not the redneck way.) where all the manliest adventures have taken place out in bumblepuck, PA. I was regaled with tales of massive bears practically knocking down the cabin door late at night, A Paul Bunyan type character (AWL) with vein busting muscles splitting the largest logs for the biggest wood pile that could sustain other bearded manly men for the brisk, world ending cold winter ahead, and many other manly tales. To all of this I ooooed and ahhhhhed and fluttered my eyelashes! (Just kiddding, that made me gag just thinking of doing that.)

Upon entering the cabin, which I imagined to be something like a wigwam with dirt floors and tarantulas taking up neighborly residence in the deep dark corners of everything (much like the scene from the one Indiana Jones movie where they are stuck with their elephant in the jungle and bats and pythons and huge bugs OH MY! came at them), I was surprised to find a bunch of lazy boys and couches and quite honestly, with a little swiffer action and some bug spray, one of the roomier, nicer kitchens I've witnessed in the mountains. I mean, it was basically a man cave in the woods. Needless to say I liked it.

So we bunked up in one of the rooms alternating between covering ourselves from the mosquitoes, and kicking off the covers so we could sweat pints instead of buckets and had a good old rustic time at the cabin. Waking early in the morning I had a unique after thought:

"This is a perfect place to murder someone... Is that what is going to happen?!"

"Did he take me here to END my trip instead of BEGIN it?!!?"

I looked around the place, and it seemed a lot less homie. There were all kinds of butchering tools, shovels, axes and a thing outside they used to drain the blood from the deer. There was NO ONE AROUND. I remember the night before looking up in the second floor area where there were lines and lines of old spring mattress beds that looked like a haunted orphanage would have. Maybe he's done this before! And he has a LOT of experience chopping things into little bits...

...Maybe this is like that scene in Indiana Jones...but Indiana Jones is the BAD GUY!

Apparently my brain melted from the heat overnight and oozed through my pores with my sweat.

Needless to say...I made it past the house of horrors.

Tripping...For Two.

As my super loyal follower (HI MOM!) must know, I have driven across the country before. This would be the first time I successfully circled the nation with another human being, however. Unlike last time, I brought a companion. And to everyone's surprise, including my own, it was NOT Bert. Even though he wanted to...



As I was informed about half way through the trip while in San Francisco, it was rather ballsy of me to drag someone I had been dating for a handful of months through the U S of A in the tiniest car imaginable (with NO CRUISE CONTROL as I have been notified SEVERAL TIMES throughout the last three weeks).

To be completely honest, I kind of didn't think that through when I decided WE were going to do this. I know you're shocked at my lack of foresight. I know. AND to be completely honest, I don't think HE thought it through either. Some similarities are emerging!

Here's the thing though. As you may have noticed. We survived. I mean, yes of course we survived the travel. More importantly, we survived EACH OTHER! It was touch and go there a few times, trust me. BUT we did it.

 

It is not easy being physically next to the same human being for hours on end with such acute movements, even those movements start to hurt. I mean HE WORE THE SAME SHORTS ALMOST THE WHOLE TRIP! Thank goodness the scenery was changing OUTSIDE the car!

Weird microhabits start to form within the TINY TINY little red Hobbes we called home for the last three weeks.

First of all: I learned about the scan button in my car. I mean, I KNEW about the SCAN button in other cars, and I have even read the button on my dashboard. Here's the thing, though. Have you ever just NOT NOTICED something because it's always been there? Like the dishwasher? You know that thing that other people use like EVERYDAY, but you only see it in a passing fancy?! You know it!!!! That's my SCAN BUTTON!

 (Side note: one year I thought my mom got a brand new oven and I was so psyched about it, only to be informed that it would be NICE if it was a new oven. It was really loudly, even though I was right next to my mom.)

Scan button is really cool, unless you're a LITERAL stones throw from Mexico. Then you just find out about Mexican Rock N Roll and weird Mexican country hybrid music. That's when you play "OH MY GOD, IS THAT ENGLISH?! PUSH THE BUTTON PUSH THE BUTTON!"

Second: You play really creative games like "I bet you can't catch that combo in your mouth!" I know, it sounds complicated. Let me tell you the rules. At random moments in the long long LONG LONG LONG LONG LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG drive through Nevada you are asked if you would like a Combo (a pepperoni combo for those who are using all of their five senses).

If you say Yes: Suddenly the car needs to be expanded which can only be done by two humans simultaneously pressing against their respective door with their backs, resulting in the two players facing each other. This has to be done within seconds, with the driver only able to drop their jaw for moments only while facing the other player. The heat is on! Talk about a moving target! The passenger MUST launch the combo from basically inside the passenger door, as the pressing of their body has rendered them something like Han Solo as he was trapped inside his carbon frozen sepulcher.

If you say NO: You basically get pestered and tickled violently in a rolling red cage (WITH NO CRUISE CONTROL) until you say yes.  OR you get a combo thrown at the side of your face...

Beware: this is an extreme sport. Both people in this game have chipped teeth now.

Third: With the new realization that I do not ALWAYS have to drive because there is someone else on this earth that knows how to drive stick shift, and they happen to be on the trip with you, you now have plenty of time to experiment with new hairstyles.

I can hear you now: 1: Jax, that was a run on sentence. 2. Oh no! Jax is getting girly!
My reply: 1. I know. Indulge me. 2. You. have. no. idea.

The hairstyle I have mastered is absolutely remarkable and actually has two versions.  You start by putting your hair in two pigtails. Then, you meticulously twirl your hair for hours and try to find your favorite piece. THEN! You discover you have a favorite piece on EACH SIDE! GAH! THE GLORY! Next, you further discover that if you put them BOTH over your lip and make a pucker face...VOILA! you have a girlstache! (this is a mustache for girls. I'm brilliant!)

Wait, wait, wait WAAAAAIIIIITTTTT! Now for the alternate! After hours of giggling at yourself incessantly and trying to kiss the driver with a mustache, you discover even MORE! If you use the remaining part of the pigtails, you can wrap it around your chin and then you have a FULL ON BEARD! DOES LIFE GET BETTER!? DOES IT!?

Oh my god, pull over....we need to breath real air. Time for a beer....or would you like a Combo?