Colorado!

I left you with the sun going down and bein tortured further across Kansas. Just to prove that I had entered new territory, as soon as I crossed state lines a coyote ran right in front of my car! Bam! You're not in Kansas anymore! Anything can happen here!

Oh coyote, what a bit of foreshadowing you brought!

Did I mention my favorite thing about driving across the country? Time travel. Obviously! I stared at my phone for almost an hour straight so I could watch the time go back from 11 to 10. I was disappointed, but given something better! I traveled forward to the next day and then BACK AGAIN!!! What?! My students are right! I am magic! (My wrinkle in time did not render any winning lotto numbers sadly)

I drove into Denver so glad to see civilization! I will admit, that while it was dark, I did notice that eastern Colorado is pretty flat, but still more interesting than Kansas.

I was shocked by how big Denver was, and then found out that thy are cheaters and there are a bunch of towns squished together. All of them amazing. Denver is especially amazing because they have my husband, Peyton manning. I did ask Siri where he was. Turns out that piece of technology is a piece of crap...

However, Magnolia Hotel is NOT a piece of crap. As soon as I got there, the valet took my bike down and stored it for me. I will admit, I held back a few punches and screams and other east coast inspired habits. Then they took my car. Then I almost cried. My life, my Hobbes, my world! I figured that my parents wouldn't bail me out all the way out in Colorado, so I did nothing but perhaps sulk a little bit. My hand might have reached out for the little red rio as it drive away without me. (Thinking about castaway? "Wiiilllllssssoooooonnnnn!"....yeah me too)

Perhaps they could tell I was distraught. The weight of my car keys gone, naked but for one measley bag containing clothes (important?! Not nearly as important as my climbing equipment that mutinied along with Hobbes!)

They offered me milk and cookies. In fact they give you milk and cookies as a bedtime snack around 9:00 every evening! I asked the obvious question as they patted my back and pushe the elevator button for me, practically tucking me into bed (that story in a second!)

"Is Santa comin to the lobby after the milk and cookies?!"

The doorman laughed. "He played along, yeah he'll be down and you can sit on his lap and tell him what you want for Christmas."

This kid doesn't know about my history with Santa...he doesn't know I will be sneaking down in The middle of the night to check...

So I go to my room all snug and cozy and milk and cookied! It's beautiful at this hotel, I was exhausted and ready to curl up. I get all tucked in to those blankets that are typical of a plush hotel. The ones that all at once give you the weightlessness of a cloud and press against you in a tight hug. Aaaahhhhh about to go to sleep. My door opens, the light goes on, I'm about to be attacked! My battle cry: "uh...hellllloooo?!"

The battle cry strikes fear into the heart of the cleaning guy and he gives his thousand apologies to me and my honorable family and scurries away! Muahahahaha!

Were they really going to try to tuck me in after my milk and cookies? I think to myself. Then a phone call, the desk clerk apologizes and apologizes and I'm about to give him the "no worries dude!" When he says something that stops me in my tracks...

"I'll be taking 50 dollars off of your charges while here Ms. Ellis."

Shoot I have to act stern and upset now, but also like this guy has assuaged my anxiety. I want to giggle instead, because I'm mature like that. 

That guy almost saw me starkies!

Good night Denver! What a welcome! 

................................................................

Next morning starts and I'm out the door. I want to find a place to boulder, so obviously I head to a bookstore to read up. I'm walking downtown for about ten minutes and immediately text about ten people that I'm never leaving. Denver is awesome. It's the biggest metropolis in Colorado and its the cleanest air I've breathed in in 3 days and 7 states. I don't see a single car until about 6 bikes have passed me. It's the quietest city I've ever experienced. I felt like I had to whisper when I talked! In the first hour, I don't see a single person who doesn't have a tattoo, bike, or dog. I'm home!!!

What's more, this is in the city. It's riverfront park. There are people sun bathing, biking, swimming in the water and skateboarding! My people! They're all here! And they're all nice. Everyone who I stop to talk to asks how my morning is going. And then the clincher...they stop and look me in the eye and wait for my response. Like a real one. They really wanted to know about my day. And I found myself really wanting to know about their day. This kid (who is really a thirty year old dude but was tattooed up and wore a straight brimmed skater hat and a t shirt) sat down on a rock near me in the park. I saw he had a Long board which reminded me of my one friend who thinks long boards are lame and my other friend who actually loves long boards. Struck up a conversation. In ten minutes we talked about weed, the difference between skateboards and long boards, driving across the country, cops in Kansas vs. cops in Texas, and what development he lived in. Some of my friends won't share as willingly as this kid! And he's the norm!

He was originally from Minnesota...and he's not the only Minnesotan ice run into either. Those people just won't stay put! And no one is originally from Denver. Most people I talked to have transplanted here anywhere from four months ago to six years ago. I heard no one day they had lived here any longer than that. Love these people! LOVE THIS PLACE!

People here have a sense of humor. Just look at this sign in the local climb shop...

This sign should be a caution for cars instead of bikes. Cars are more rare.

People like this are not rare. He sang Beatles songs in the tourist strip. I don't know if he's homeless or not because everyone kind of dresses that way...

Mopeds are cool here. Seriously, they are. I didn't think it was possible either. And this combination of various lifestyle choices is very very normal here...

And hello the view is amazing everywhere you look!

Again why don't I live here?

Anyways, I went bouldering in Boulder. It makes me giggle when I say it. We all know my sense of humor, everything is worthy of a chuckle...

And bouldering was so convenient and the view was amazing and I was scared to death because I was alone and no one was there to tell me I was stupid! I had to tell myself! Therefore I only did some warmups and traverses. I wasn't worrie though because I hired a guide to take me out Monday, even though I wasn't really planning on staying all day Monday, but the rocks call and I obey!

Next up....altitude....

On driving (don't read this mom)

After experiencing civilization maybe twice in the last four days, your driving habits and abilities tend to change.

I forgot I was driving a manual transmission at least three times in the last three days. I almost gave myself a heart attack when I finally reached mountains. I thought my car was breaking down trying to get through the first mountain pass in Colorado. I had my foot all the way down to the floor at one point and it just kept decelerating! I was thinking "great, what could it be? Is my battery dying? Is the dang thing overheating?! I'm in the middle of nowhere!!! I'm not a mechanic!! What is going on HOBBES!!??!?!?" I'm about to put on my blinkers and pull over when I hear my salvation!

A huge semi passes me (I'm going THAT slow on a steep grade) and shifts gears...

.....oh yeeeaaaahhhhh this is stick shift! Hobbes! Why didn't you remind me?!

Shifted into fourth and blew that Popsicle stand!

I also have really gone down to the basics of driving. Remember "Mater?" Like "taaaa-mater, minus the teeee!" He had rear view meeeers. Lightning McQueen did NOT.

I'm here to say, turns out ya don't need 'em.

Other things I don't use:

In Kansas: my hands or knee.

In states with curves: just my hands, knees required.

Everywhere: turn signals (unless I'm bored)

Shifter (except in the mountains)

Sometimes I don't even use lanes! You see I drive like my dad. I'm usually looking over my left shoulder at the scenery and every once in awhile I check my progress with driving. Sometimes I find I've drifted into the other lane or I'm straddling the two. Sumthin different! Hey! Hang out in that lane for a bit, let myself drift back over...

Mom, I told you not to read this...

Anyways, rumble strips are awesome!

Mom, I'm just kidding...reeeeaaaallllyyyy.

Ugh Kansas.

Driving through Kansas is probably what you want to make someone do if you absolutely hate them.  Not dislike them, because that's just mean.  Only if you can't stand the sight of them and wish to torture them slowly before putting them out of their misery.  Put them in a car and force them to drive across this super boring state in one day at the speed limit. I almost forgot how to drive halfway through because I forgot I was driving...

I did metion before that their was a pretty righteous storm which broke up the boring a little bit, THANK YOU! What I didn't say was I saw this vehicle on the beginnings of my travel through this less than awesome state:

COOOOOOOOLLLL, they actually DO exist!  I was replaying the movie TWISTER in my mind and replaying it, and replaying it...because that's all there was to do. Then I got a message from a friend saying "watch out for Tornados!" Which I thought was amusing, but after driving for hours on end, your mind gets warped and twisted and 5 hours later a rain storm is coming at you and you're thinking, "Oh my God, was that twister guy in the van on duty?" Was he coming for THIS storm?!"

And the storm shows up in the dusky hours, so the sky is changing colors and all of a sudden your mind is stuck on the part of the movie Twister where the storm chasers head gets sliced by a car rim!  AAAaaaaaaahhhhhhh!  And I look around and think to myself, all I know is not to stay in the car if there is a tornado, but there is no where else to hide in FREAKING KANSAS!!!!!

So then these windmill things show up and now I'm all "GREAT, I'm not going to get sliced by a car rim (well I guess it still could happen) I'll just get decimated by a huge propeller!"

Kansas broke me down...way down. A true mind screwing.

And then before I went postal, I saw my name.  I saw it everywhere! And it was the most amazing thing in the world:

It was like when you were little and you didn't like the way the world operated and instead you said, "yeah, well in MY WORLD..."

DUDE! I own that water tower...

...and the police (oh the trouble to be had!)

Don't mess with me I have a whole squadron to take you down!

I just wanted to shake people's hands and say "Alright guys, I know you've been waiting a really long time for me, but I'm here now.  Everything is going to be ok.  I'm sorry they put my fan club in KS of all places!"

So, I had some mild amusement through Kansas.  Kansas didn't like that, so it made the sun go down.  So now it was flat and straight and I couldnt even look at boring things anymore.  COLORADO SAVE ME!

And it did. TO BE CONTINUED!!!!

Just in case you forgot how boring I think Kansas is:

Meet me in St. Louis!

Bye bye Kentucky! I still try to imagine people who actually live in Kentucky. It's a weird not quite coastal state that is kind of southern, but kind of Midwestern. There are gorgeous plantation looking houses, and obviously horse farms, but still it's a little off somehow. More plain West Virginia po-dunk country than southern. It's hard to explain...

Po-dunk...really po-dunk...(and hello?  It's Johnny...gosh!)

On my way to St. Louis I actually pulled over because my trip-o-meter was about to hit...1000!!!!!  I pulled over and slowly let the meter roll...HAPPY....awwwwwww...it doesn't go up to 1000.  You aren't supposed to take trips past 999.9 apparently. Well Hobbes....you're in for it.  I have a feeling we're going to hit the 0 mark a few times this month. Just keep trucking! (ALSO I got my first truck beep on this leg of the trip because I was car dancing.  This is becoming a sort of tradition around sun down, I don't know why but I get in a dancing mood right around then every drive)

So originally I was going to hit up Kansas City, MO (which is the same as Kansas City, KS except it's on the East side of the city.  Talk about confusing, but probably a good model for sharing for all those kindergartners out there.

Anyways...Audible on the play!  St. Louis is so much closer, and one of the first post cards I ever got from when my Daddy travelled all of the time was of the St. Louis arch.  I always wanted to go see it in person.  Guess I'm not going to Kansas City...

On a side note, I have a postcard collection from when I was little.  Originally, when my dad would travel, he'd bring little trinkets here and there. I remember I once got a little stuffed puppy dog (which I still own, totally normal).  I named him Puff, because at the time I was obsessed with Puff the Magic Dragon. It had absolutely nothing to do with Pot smoking!

Anyways, I imagine having six kids really lightened the wallet when the trips became more prevalent. Post cards are CHEAP! Also, I like them better.  Especially when you get the ones with historical descriptions and interesting facts.  And those pictures!  Makes you just want to jump into them Mary Poppins style!  And I guess that was what I was planning on doing when I changed my route to St. Louis.

So, I popped into the hotel and saw this:

Thank GOD I wasn't on that floor...I didn't think they made 13 floors anymore.  Every hotel I've ever been in skips the 13 and goes straight for 14.  This place obviously does not cater to the superstitious.  I had a guy in the elevator with me who was staying on the 13 floor. I wished him luck.  I wouldn't want to stay there...probably ghosts.

Went down to the bar for a nightcap before I went to bed.  Most of my drinking stories start this way..."I was just going to have one beer, but then..."
And that's exactly what happened.  but then...I found myself in Budweiser-ville, which my Daddy reminded me of before I went down. Dang, I hate Bud Light, I really do.  And even though I was in the city of Bud, I did not drink that crap.  Luckily they did have Budweiser alternatives and I settled for an IPA instead. Sat next to a young guy, already in his cups and swaying.  I know...it was an excellent seat choice. This particular gentleman was from new yawk. Actually, I don't want to offend anyone, he was from long eyeland.

Oh wait, let me start this story out properly: So I go to this bar and there is an Indian, a kid from Long Island, and a fat guy from Denver who is married to an Asian chick.  (It's not quite a Jew, a Catholic, and a Protestant, but it's a good start). And the bartender who had serious girl trouble. (I don't know what it is about bartenders that they spill their life story to me)

Anyways, this is what I learned: New Yorkers are annoying. They think they are the greatest thing in the world and everything in New York is the best. The best pizza, the best drinks, the best girls, the best guys...blah blah blah. Those people on the other side of the world who think Americans are obnoxious were probably talking to a New Yorker. (Let me clarify, these New Yorkers are the ones who lived there their entire lives.  I know a couple really nice people who moved there and appreciate the world outside as well as New York, which is, in fact, fabulous)  This guy was looking at me out of his soberish eyeball trying to tell me about football and I know he was trying to ruffle my feathers talking about the Eagles, he tried to tell me that he felt bad for Andy Reid. I bit my lip and chugged a beer.  And that is why I never have just one beer.

Next was the fat guy who was married to a hot Asian chick.  I know this because we started talking whiskey and he scooted down after obnoxious Long Island left. First words out of his mouth: "I'm married." I said congratulations. What the hell? Did I look like I was hitting on you? If anything I'd be hitting on whiskey right now, not the fat guy at the bar who is quite a bit my senior.  Thanks.  Anyways, he was a winner. I don't know what it is about older fellas at the bar that feel like they should be honest with me, but they need to stop!  hahaha.  This guy was trying to put a good message out there, but seriously failed.  I've never seen a hole dug so deep and quickly in my life.  He started by saying I clearly had a great personality. (alright, you better say something to go with that, I know what they say about girls with good personailities) So, I told him to keep going...

Then he said I was pretty average in looks. Wow, thanks. Ok so, I'm not a super hottie or anything so I waited for the clincher...and damn. He said that US average looking people are the best because hot people don't want competition and also, people don't want to stick around unless you have a good personality as well.  Hot people are for one night stands, us average folks are for relationships. (skkkkkkkrrrrrrrr.....WHAT?! back the heck up...US? You are putting me in the same category as an overweight balding 40-50 year old man age group? That's rude.) What's more is, that average boy married a HOT ASIAN. He is proof that his theories are all wrong.  This guy is even worse than the guy that complimented me for having tree trunk legs! So what I'm hearing from the bar scene from across the country is that I'm a fun person with a good personality and I'm very average. (this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but geez people)

He saw I was a little affronted and asked, "well, do you think you're hot?" I said no, I'm awesome. He said "But, I mean, do you think you're going to get better with age?" I said, YES, I'm going to be even more awesome! He said "But, ya know looks wise, you're kind of passed your prime." DUDE! DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEE!

Thankfully this adorable little 21 year old kept coming in between us ordering the fruitiest little cocktails proclaiming his gayness verbally and physically every time he came up.  And my gay friend at the bar loved my nose ring and thought I was pretty.  Take that fat guy from Denver.

Next morning: The Arch.  Who needs a car in this city?  I don't because I brought my bike, although since driving for hours and hours, it was more like fly paper than a bike.  But I cruised around going all Asian, and taking pictures.

The bartender from the night before recommended this place.  I took a picture of their menu because I do highly recommend it if you are ever in St. Louis and want that all natural fresh farm ingredient type food.  They are a crepery, but also serve other dishes...and amazing mimosas:

AAAAANNNNNNDDDDD they're my favorite color.

To the ARCH! It's funny watching people take pictures of this thing.  It's a huge problem solving task to figure out how to get the scope and magnitutde down, especially when you try to put yourself in the picture.

Went underground into the museum:

Learned something new:

I hope you giggled....because I all out cackled and shouted "You CAN'T be serious?!"

It was a KIA, and I'm not working...but I am poor....


COMING UP: More about FREAKING KANSAS.

BackTracking

As I sit, nice and cozy in a hotel room without any plans to drive west at all until maaaayyyyybbbeeee tomorrow, I have a little time to play catch up and let you know what has been going on!

Before the Kansas post, I left you with my wake up in the Miguel's Pizza Camp area...which is where I settled on a camp bench and read my super obscure Red River Gorge book that people made fun of me for posting about on Facebook (you know who you are!) It's amazing how long you can read about rock climbing routes and not get bored in the slightest.  Actually the climbers who write these route descriptions are probably the most creative writers I've ever come upon.  Each little description is dripping with sarcasm and off-handed comments.  Pick one up, they are great reads (dripping with sarcasm).  Actually I really wish the people who wrote these books would write the instructions on how to put together furniture from Ikea, or kids play toys.  It would be so much more entertaining and less frustrating!

Anyways, that book lead me to this place:

This part of the Red River Gorge is on private property owned by the nicest looking couple on a back road.  You actually drive down this dusty old road right past their house.  And man they are awesome at keeping the place nice!  I've never had such comforts while on an approach to a climb since the indoor rock gym!  There were TOILETS!  I mean, the real kind, not the kind that leads down the evil rabbit hole into the wonderland of waste (AKA Port a potties).  RUNNING WATER with SOAP!  It was amazing and I'm not even down to the climbs yet!  On a serious note, it was a huge comfort not only to use a bathroom, but to also see the emergency two way radios and instructions for emergencies posted in key locations.  You just don't get that every where.  When you go to the gorge, make sure you donate a few bucks so it stays that way.

So there I was, hauling my stuff down into the climbing areas, hopping across little rocks through creeks and past the candy cane forest into the LINCOLN TUNNEL! (Elf is one of the greatest movies!)...

*****....this next section is going to be weird if you aren't into rock climbing or know someone who is.  You probably won't understand how I'm about to nerd out about climbing here.  Be patient.  There are other parts to the day...*****

Just walking past some of the formations on my way to the climbing was getting me all excited!  I wish my pictures could be shared, but they're on the other camera...the real one.  Whomp Whomp.  So many colors! So many undulations and cool holds! For people who get their rocks off (yea, I had to do it) scaling cliff faces, I was entering an Eden! Some information: Red River Gorge is comprised of Sandstone mainly.  Do you know WHAT THIS MEANS!  I became SPIDER MAN!!!!!  Sandstone is gritty, and acts like velcro when you put your mitts on it. Suddenly I had transformed into Sharma!  If you don't know who that is, look him up on google images (especially the ladies, trust me).

So I'm doing my Spiderman Sharma thing, and as if I didn't think I was awesome enough I came upon some newbies from Michigan.  These guys were pretty funny. They were making jokes about trusting your rubber (the rubber on your climbing shoes...minds out of the gutter please!). I knew they were cool immediately.  What made them cooler was the fact that they ALSO thought I was Spiderman Sharma. If only they knew the truth, but I wasn't going to stop them from thinking it...

............................................................................................................................................................

Burned out at the Gorge and decided to do the tourist thing.  I stopped at a sign that pointed out something called the Natural Bridge.  I was pondering deep ponders about what on earth a natural bridge could be...could it be an actual bridge? One that was made naturally?  naaaahhhhhh...couldn't be!  That's impossible!

Nevermind...

It was pretty cool watching kind of largish people try to walk through this narrow passage way on the way up to the bridge.  At one point some lady wanted to try to pass me going in the opposite direction.  I'm not super skinny and she was even less so...I don't know what she was thinking was going to happen.

Actually looking at it from below was cooler than looking at it from the top.  BUT watching the people who were afraid of heights on the top of the bridge was even BETTER!

 

So then I walked around to the next vista to see what it looked like from a little further away...I managed to blind myself with sunbeams and JUST caught the natural bridge in the right corner:

Hiking and Climbing and being Sharma for a day can really take it out of you.  I was very hungry and ready for a slice from Miguels.  I did NOT know they had awesome toppings.  Extra points for Miguel's for letting me experience this Chorizo and Mango salsa pizza.  Two slices please!




And every gas station had these bottles of Ginger Ale, so I went native and had one, in the car...so it looked like I was chugging a beer.  REBEL!



Red River Gorge: I'm out! But, just like Arnold, "I'll be back!"



PS: No complaining about gas.  This stop hurt my heart a little:
(and it wasn't even unleaded, it was the generic brand: inleaded)

Not funny Kansas...

Kansas doesn't like me:

I had already driven for about four hours when that GPS woman who I suspect is in league with Kansas said "stay on interstate 70 for 544 miles." I detected a smile in her voice...

Then with six more hours this happened. Kansas, that plan backfired! Ha! Just when I started drooling on myself with sheer boredom...exciting torrential downpours and lightning! Ha!

Home: where your heart is...

I know my mom cried the night before I left. I know she's jaxsick, so I make sure I keep calling and texting her every where I go. I don't know if she knows I'm always momsick. You only get a certain amount of hours with your mamma in your life, so when you decide to go away for a bit, you better make sure it's worth it.  I'd like to think this trip is, mainly because it gives me something to show my mamma. Just like when I used to pick dandelions and clovers for her. (My daddy calls them weeds, but I prefer to think of them as the North American wildflower...)

Do you know what I DIDN'T know?! How the rest if you would send your love along with me! I think it mAkes my car go faster...

Here's the sampling of good vibrations I'm getting:

There were so many more! And phone calls to make sure I was awake! And texts for updates! Trust me, I'm not driving alone...

Adventure stories tomorrow. I need to finish my choir practice/arm curls....

You know....

Love you guys right back!