Depression affects each of us differently. Everyone gets a little crazy in their own way. One could say that your personality on one side becomes amplified and takes over and morphs all of your other character traits.
I'm depressed. I often get depressed at the beginning of a school year. But the last two years have been particularly difficult for so many reasons. None of these reasons alone can claim to be the cause, it is a feeling of being attacked from all sides that creates this awful paradigm.
The worst part is that you break out into crazy and then you calm down and people think you've fixed it. NOT TRUE. The worst part of depression is the part where you silently bear it because it's STILL FREAKING THERE!
This is actually a funny story, believe it or not.
When you get into the silent depression mode, you start overreacting to weird things in SUPER WEIRD WAYS.
(FYI when I say YOU I definitely mean ME)
Here is a story all about how my mind got twist...turned upside down...
After a super awesome (SARCASM ALERT) Monday in which I woke up late because my alarm didn't go off and made it to work on time (Good Job Jax), I continued through my day in wonderful fashion turning a blind eye to the fact that that one student still does absolutely nothing in my classroom, 75% of them still can't remember their multiplication tables, let alone do a 5th grade math problem, or, I don't know, read the directions at the top of the pages AND the parents want to know what I'M doing to accommodate these little gems.
NEVERMIND NEVERMIND....that's the usual teacher banter, nothing new and I'm sure you all are as tired of hearing it as I am of saying it.
5 minutes left of class, we have a puker. Blew gloriously brilliant red chunks all over my already lovely smelling classroom. Wait, that's not all! The kicker is that earlier he said his stomach hurt, so I sent him down to the nurse, where she gave him some crackers to settle his stomach. He asked if he could have the trash can next to him, which I gladly obliged. Fortuitously, the end of the day drew near, so this child felt the need to clean up his area, moving the trash can back in place to return to his desk. 10 seconds later...
...that's not the worst part...the worst part is the after party that the rest of the students invite themselves to. For some reason little kids see someone at the worst part of their days and decide to do a little dance party. ALL 20 KIDS decide to use the power of interpretive dance to clue me in on the fact that this kid is PUKING ALL OVER THE PLACE. Chairs are OPTIONAL ladies and gentleman! If you use one, make sure its in the air!
By kiddos! Sorry you can't stay longer!
Get in the car, go home, think about things that are happening outside of school. BAD JAX BAAAADDDDDDD.
Stub my toe on the way out of my car. Just a little extra something to close the work day. Think to myself...that's a stupid thing to hold on to....let it go.
I went on to read a bunch of inspirational quotes that do not apply to my life, or that I could pair up and use to disprove the other. You know...like....
"Don't close the book when bad things happen in your life, Just turn the page and begin a new chapter."
Then I scroll down and see this one:
"You know why it's hard to be happy? It's because we refuse to let go of the things that make us sad."
I could inspire myself in so many directions. Google+ is like a fortune cookie machine.
And you know when you've just had enough...
The house phone rings and it tells you that it's Washington DC calling.
OH NO THEY DON'T DARE.
My sister, Suzy, picks up the phone and answers as I hear who is calling...
What do THEY want?! at the top of my voice. This could literally be anyone in DC. YOU TELL THEM THAT WE DON'T WANT TO TALK TO THEM UNTIL THEY DO THEIR JOB!!!!
Five minute rant ensues at the tippity top of my voice about how if I had it MY WAY they wouldn't have a job right now...or WORSE they'd have to do their job without PAY until they STOP BEING CHILDISH AND START MAKING THE GOVERNMENT WORK SMOOTHLY UNLIKE THE LAST 15 YEARS!!!!! DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE AND TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB LIKE YOU DO TO ME EVERY FREAKING DAY OF MY LIFE!!!! WE COULD SOLVE THE DEBT CRISIS IF YOU WERE ON MY SALARY!!!!
No one in DC should make phone calls anywhere the day before the government is set to shut down. It's just a bad idea.
"Suz...what are they saying?"
"They aren't talking....Hello? HELLO?"
"GOOD THEY SHOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE THEY'D PROBABLY BE WRONG!!!!!"
"Uh, they just hung up."
Don't mess with crazy at the end of a Monday people. Just don't.
P.S. Mr. NSA person, you go ahead and record all of this down to the last drop, but don't you DARE waste paper, or use any of our government funds to do so. You just MEMORIZE IT.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
I miss you California. I miss your musk. I miss your beautiful scenery. I miss your people. I miss your newness and mystery.
I miss you because I'm back at work. I'm back to the grind. I'm starting to forget your face.
I also miss you because Jon is doing fun things in California without me and I haven't found a job out there yet and I can not simply go and join him on all those wonderful adventures.
Instead I have to sit here in a moldy old classroom in the south side among the sad and down trodden poor kids who don't know what its like to say hello to everyone you pass on the sidewalk.
It's so different.
I try to keep my head up and keep myself in the "Cali spirit." I've gone on a LOT of east coast adventures and done the things I would do there if I had the chance. I bike everyday to work like I'd bike everyday to the cafe'. I'm forever rock climbing like I did out there. I say hi to the miserable people on the street as they pass by.
It's just that all of those things are SO MUCH COOLER in California.
I'm just trying to say I LOVE YOU!
Here was just a glorious day I had with you that I'll never forget:
One does not simply go to California and not see a Redwood forest....
There truly is no way to experience the scope and magnitude of these big ole giants.
The best part of this trip was the section where you HAD to be silent because the noise pollution apparently scared off the wildlife that makes these trees home. I was in my glory all alone in front of a field trip of young rapscallions. I was finally not the teacher! Those poor jerks were desperately trying to seal the gaps on those little kids faces! It's such a struggle even for the best kids to keep a lid on it! The teachers were probably exhausted by the end of the day, scurrying around like little birds protecting the best! They probably didn't even get a chance to look around the forest.
Sweet freedom! Sweet sweet solitary freedom!
Alas, I'm back to protecting the nest. But summer will come again!