Thursday, December 5, 2013


My heart is broken and I'm trying desperately not to think too much about it. I thought I'd write an entry and try to make the sad stuff funny, but it's really hard when it's really sad...

I've been lost for an entire year.

This is how I feel right now:

The worst part is people thinking I made a mistake. I didn't make a mistake. I took a chance. I love someone who doesn't love me back. I would do it all over again. I won't stop loving this person. You don't just stop loving someone. It IS time to realize that that's not good enough and that if you give yourself away without the same happening in return, eventually you lose yourself. And I am very lost.

I have traveled thousands and thousands of literal miles to reset myself, traversing the country, climbing mountains, scaling cliffs and it didn't work. I was happy for a brief moment because people wanted to know about my adventures. I felt connected to the whole wide world and it felt AMAZING! But that's just a temporary high. I came right back and fell right back into that shadow that used to be me.

I think it's interesting this idea of "finding oneself." Where do you go? How do you leave yourself? My intent wasn't to find myself, and it's still not. I definitely ran away. I ran FAR away. And honestly, it was fun. BUT it wasn't what I needed to do, it's what I WANTED to do. And I'm still myself, I've always been myself. In fact, sometimes I wish I could quit being quite SO myself. Have you ever heard your own laugh echo in your ears and just cringe? Yeah, that's me, ALL. THE. TIME. What is that cackle anyways?!

It's so hard to avoid all of these heartbreak hallmarks and cliche's. They're all bits and pieces of the truth, and yet, so far from it. "Words can not express the depth of my despair." Very Jane Austen. And speaking of my lady, I so wish for that rose colored world she's always making fun of.

I'm so tired of this world we live in. I'm tired of words being used like "hot" instead of "beautiful." I remember the last time someone said I was beautiful. It was forever long ago. People don't say that anymore. It must be too tender and intimate for the internet age. I would love to hear things like that again, soulful words. Words like lovely and beautiful. Looking at people inside and out, you CAN be beautiful, but who ever heard of being "hot" on the inside? Do you have a fever?! Maybe it's just the teacher in me, but I guess when it comes to the world, I want a deeper meaning. That goes for women too. Maybe we should be striving for those comments with the way we look and move and even eat. Maybe we SHOULD bake a pie here and again (from scratch) and trade in those tight pants and low cut shirts for a classy dress. Not for anyone in particular, but for dignity and respect.

When was the last time someone tried to hold your hand instead of grabbing some other part of your body? I think we're all taking the short cut and skipping the really important steps that just seem too small to be important.

My little sister will probably laugh. She'll probably roll her eyes, because I'm the one who always asks if she's "going steady" with someone. I guess I should stop watching those old "pictures" of the black and white knight in shining armor and get back to modern day. It sure is messy.

If love is all you need, maybe we shouldn't treat it with a passing fancy. I think it's perfectly acceptable to be dramatic about it, if it's the most important thing in your world.

I think I'm mostly depressed because the way I picture the way things should be are never going to match up with the way things actually are. Maybe someday I'll be less of a pushy brutish loud mouth and someone else will come up and kiss my hand and whisk me away! (Up a very tallish mountain with a rope and some shining climbing gear)

1 comment:

  1. You are so right. I'm sorry your heart hurts, but you deserve all of the above.