Friday, June 28, 2013


I interrupt the sequence of events in this blog to bring you the funniest driving experience I've ever had EVER!  I had nearly gotten out of Tennessee alive and with what dignity I had left too...

So, I left Oklahoma City with very little time to make it back to the Philly area in time for what I'm sure will be an EPIC (and I mean that word, I'm not just saying it because it's the word du jour these days) wedding and reception. I ended up driving around 20 hours yesterday. I drove through half of Oklahoma, Tennessee the LONG way and made it a little ways into Virginia before I had to stop because my body obviously had had enough.

I get ahead of myself. Let me take you back.  Even on this mildly long traverse across the United States, I have not been eating a ton of Fast Food. It's not really because I'm a snooty health nut or anything.  I just have cravings for things, and I like to get out of the car and walk around on my breaks.  So I go to places where you can eat in.  Mostly I pick Breweries (further proof I'm no health nut). I like sampling the local hops.

Well, I'm in a rush.  I picked up the second best fried chicken from Gus's Famous Fried Chicken in Memphis, take it in the car with me and eat away at it, gnawing on the bones like a starving wolf.

By the way the first best fried chicken is from one of my best friends mom.  She rocks it!  And she does it so simply, but it's what I like!

So next I eat some AWESOME fried green tomatoes because I'm in the south for crying out loud.  Even if you didn't like fried food, you would eat it because there is NOTHING ELSE TO EAT. I love fried green tomatoes. I love soul food, I love the comforts of the south. I do NOT like grease on my fingers, especially when I'm driving.

I stopped to gas up and take a hand shower...I really had to scrub away!

Booked it through Nashville, getting up to the top of Tennessee and right before I breach the border with everything I came into this state with...I got hungry for dinner.  I usually like to eat something green after I eat something greasy to balance myself out. I looked hard for a place that had salads. It's the south, I'm pretty sure the only green stuff they have is collard greens cooked in ham bone grease. (and it's delicious!) I settled for Wendy's because I know the fast food joints are trying to put on a good face and have something healthy on their menus.  Good job guys. Way to be! This salad was actually good too.  Almonds and blueberries, even strawberries from California! Must be good, has California in it! Yum. Satisfied...

...or am I?

I decided I better get a coffee because it was 8 o'clock pm and I was barely halfway through the days journey. BUUUUTTTTT It's also dessert time. What to do...

Guess what's next door...


Chocolate Chip Frappe' please! and since I had a salad I'll get a large. I can start worrying about things like exercise and eating right when my donkey isn't planted in a car seat for 20 hours.

I love chocolate, I love it SO MUCH. I sucked that large Frappe' down almost to the end.  And then I got that familiar, "Jax, there is a capacity to sugar and grease in this bod of yours" feeling. I set the the drink down and put the windows down because the humidity was getting balanced by the lower temperatures and I think I'm growing my gills back.

We all know about self control, and how I don't have it.  2 minutes later that large sugary chocolatey devil of a drink was gone and I was searching for it's relatives through the straw.

Well that's done and over with and Virginia is about 20 miles away. Nice. Familiar Territory.


10 minutes later I got that queasy feeling you get when you eat the pounder Reese's cup your boss gave you because you love chocolate and peanut butter so much in twenty minutes. (Oh you've never experienced that feeling?) Too much sugar, Jax.  I knew this was going to happen. Guess I'm going to have to drive around with a stomach ache. Ugh.

UUUGGGHHHHHHHH...this isn't just a stomach ache.  This is the scene from Journey to the Center of the Earth. There are prehistoric animals battling in the acid ocean down in my soul. (Yes my stomach is my source) Churning and gurgling and it's making me...

...OH GOD!

I have to go...I have to go BAD.  I cooked a brownie in an easy bake oven, man. Safety NOT FIRST, I'm taking off this seat belt.  I need to interpretive dance!  There are no signs anywhere.  I just left the last freaking bathroom area ON EARTH.  TENNESSEE WHY?!

Ok. Ok, calm down. I think I can get myself together, mind over...matter. The interpretive dancing is working. I'm calming down....relaxing. I'm kind of laughing to myself.  Oh my gosh *chuckle chuckle* that would have been one for the blog.  I thought for a second I was going to have to pull over and drop off the Cosby kids on the side of the road. PHEW! Glad I got myself under control. Can you imagine...I mean I could have done it...I actually have toilet paper and a shovel from my backpacking stuff.  I could have totally "roughed it" on the highway. *giggle giggle* THAT was close better look for a stop area soon, good thing I'm not lactose intolerant or anything....


Still no exits anywhere, let alone ones with potties. Second wave of disaster hitting the Richter scale:

OH no, that first one was like a 5...This next wave is hitting at an 8 AT LEAST!!!! GREAT DEVASTATION! There's no TIME, I'm going to have to take a CRAP ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!

Oh no, oh no no.  There's no amount of dancing that can save this day.  I screech to the next exit which is Nowhereville, TN (go away Tennessee, I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!) There aren't even street lamps, I'm going to crap my pants. I have to get out of the car. At least I can get off the highway and duck behind a hill. Oh god, the shame of it.  I don't know one single story of anyone taking a crap on the highway. NOT ONE. I'm going to be the the first person to take a crap on the highway! RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

Oh yes...what is that I see in the dim light?! A construction area...a PORTA POTTY! OH GOD OH GOD YES!  I swing into that construction site like its the Fast and The Furious! TWO WHEELS BABY! Hobbes is still smoking and the dust is no where near settling and I'm running with my knees pinched together and I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN MAKE IT!

I jumped into the the Porta Potty which some JERK put on a little hill and nearly knock myself over in a porta potty that might possibly roll down a hill with me in it.  But there's only a few seconds of dignity left...if dignity is here at all. Oh my god, why do people put BUTTONS ON PANTS!!!!!!

I have to dance lightly in the porta potty to keep it from tumbling into the abyss and then...

...I had to do what no woman on the planet should have to do. There was no way to keep this toilet still without putting my backend on...TOUCHING...a construction site's toilet. My bottom lip curled up and and I whimpered like a little lamb that was about to be eaten by a lion. But I did it...and then I DID IT.


And I'll never forget you Tennessee. I sure did make some music...

Meanwhile, VA is the home of toilets. There are toilets EVERYWHERE. Thanks guys. Way to go.

No comments:

Post a Comment